I Can’t Do This Anymore

I no longer think we “hit” walls. We slide into them. The face-plant of our cheek against the brick is a long time coming. If we were more aware, we would have seen it. If we did not run from our own truth and if we trusted ourselves more, we would have called it done a long time before. But this is just how it is sometimes.

It was February 7, 2013. I was sitting on a bench outside the common area of a bed and breakfast in Belize. It was about 7:30 p.m. I was very hot and very tired. I had travelled by small plane and van over the mountains and hills from Belize City to Dangriga on the southern coast and was finally calling it a day in Belmopan, the capital of Belize. I had been working with another motivational speaker for almost a year on a reality show. I had invested my money and all that I am—mind, heart, body and soul—into something I thought was meaningful and valuable. Part of this project was a speaking tour through this Caribbean country. Our team had been here for almost a week.

As I sat on that bench, I was being told yet again—for my own good—how I should behave and that I was doing things all wrong. In that moment, as I heard these words one more time, I knew this “reality show” was no longer a healthy reality for me. So there I sat in the middle of a strange country miles from my home, knowing I had made a terrible mistake. I had not paid attention to the danger signs and the red flags along the way. It was now time for me to extricate myself from this fiasco.

The worst part, the most hurtful part, was that I had brought myself to this place of feeling so alone; to this pull-the-plug decision time. I had believed and trusted a vision that was not my own. This dream I was involved in was not durable or doable—for me. It had been my choice, though. I had gone for the ride. The team I was part of still believed and trusted the ride. They still believed the dream. I no longer could.

So what do you do when you realize that what you thought were rubies and gold are really just ashes in your hand? What do you do when your cheek finally hits that wall and you cannot deny the pain, the disappointment and the brutal clarity of that heart-jarring question: “Oh, my God, what am I doing here?”

You tell the truth and you get busy being human. You do it with dignity, with grace, with determination and self-care.

And that’s what I did. At 7:30 p.m. on a bench in Belize, I told the truth. “I can’t do this anymore. I am done.”

My words were quiet and they were fully my own. As they came from my mouth, they were like hammer shots in my head. They were a sigh of relief and they were the cry of my own soul finally speaking. For you see, I had felt the project was really going nowhere for months. I just had not wanted to admit it to myself. I had not wanted to acknowledge that I had tied my heart and my soul, my business and my budget to something that wasn’t valid for me. So I had let the train run busily on—knowing deep inside that I was on the wrong train and on the wrong track.

There were angry voices and demands that I change my mind. There were recriminations and blame. There were pleas to continue and fix what was wrong. I heard them all and repeated my truth. I was done. I took back my life back—a life that had been on a rabbit run for almost a year. There was peace in my heart and sadness, too. For relationships would now be gone and these people who I held as friends would no longer be so. There was also a clear-singing joy. I could breathe again.

I went to my room and got into bed. I lay in the dark and said, “Thank you. I don’t have to do this anymore.” I felt relieved and so very blessed. Because I finally had clarity, as I acknowledged my own truth. What I had been doing had been silently hurting me for months. It had gotten so very uncomfortable–so anxious and achy. I knew with every ounce of my being that I simply no longer fit where I was. It was now time for me to take the next step in the adventure that is my life.

And that is just what I did. I got home to Miami and went to work straightening out my obligations and straightening out my hurt soul. I needed to spend time with myself. I needed to hear my own words and cry my own tears. I needed to take care of me as I turned my heart and mind to my future. For so many of our disasters arise when we don’t see ourselves as important as those around us. We put ourselves in second place and wonder why we feel lost, confused and unloved. We do it to ourselves. I certainly did it to myself.

So remember when life feels unbearable or so very hard:

You’ve never done this life before. Mistakes are how we learn. We are human.
When things blow up and seem awful, it’s the wonder of change calling our name.
When we no longer “fit” where we are, it is simply time for our next adventure.
Breathe and take it slow. Do the next right thing in front of you—and the next.
Most of all, be kind to yourself. Love yourself. You are the only you, you have.
*This article was originally published in The Shriver Report February 11, 2014
http://mariashriver.com/blog/2014/02/i-quit-to-start-again-robin-korth/

Robin Korth enjoys interactions with her readers.

Feel free to contact her at [email protected] or on Facebook.
To learn about her new book, “Soul on the Run,” go to: www.SoulOnTheRun.com
You can also download her “Robin In Your Face” free daily motivational app by going to www.robininyourface.com/whats-new/

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