Awards season is upon us, but female celebs have had enough of the inane questions and pervy cameras – they want blood..
Celebrities are not known for their revolutionary spirit, what with barricades being everso hard to scale when one is accessorised with advertising contracts and publicity commitments, but I am particularly excited about the upcoming red carpet film awards, because I sense a revolution is imminent. Do you hear the people sing? Singing a song of angry men! It is the music of a people who will not be patronised by entertainment journalists again!

The Baftas are a week-and-a-half away and the Oscars – the royale with cheese of film awards – take place in less than a month. At the rate the revolution is currently building, I’ll be disappointed if there isn’t full-on bloodshed on the red carpet, with Daybreak presenters lying slain across Los Angeles, their last words a pitiful bleat of “so who are you wearing?!?!?!?”, and E! TV’s Ryan Seacrest’s head impaled on the Hollywood sign.

The red carpet is ridiculous. Even I know it’s ridiculous, and I often cover it for this fine newspaper of record (you’re welcome, readers!). In the past two decades the red carpet has become, as the cliche will have it, “the most important catwalk in the world”, with celebrities paraded on it like race horses while the public pulls up their lips and inspects their teeth and ridiculous entertainment journalists shout inane questions at them such as: “Oh my God, isn’t this the most exciting night ever?!” (a direct quote, by the way, shouted last year at Julianne Moore who looked like she’d had more exciting times at the dentist.)The red carpet is an established part of awards events and, as such, it has various conventions that have been simply accepted. Conventions such as: talented women will be treated as mere mannequins for dresses; every inch of their bodies will be inspected more closely every year with devices such as E!’s GlamCam 360, which spins woozily around them like a drunken lech; a woman’s choice of dress will be deemed as important as the quality of her work, and so on. The red carpet is a strange zone in the western world, one utterly untouched by feminism. Somewhat less uniquely, it is a place where there is a tacit agreement that both celebrities and public are idiots and will be treated as such by entertainment journalists.

But this is beginning to change. It had to. As anyone subjected to the inanities of red carpet TV coverage this year knows, we have reached peak red carpet. It’s all just got too stupid and too hysterical, and there are too many savvy, funny women working in the industry to put up with this bullshittery any more, or to swallow the old line that any bad behaviour on the red carpet could destroy their career.

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