by Asad Murad

The Sinner by Saba Bapar

5 years ago | Posted in: Breathing Words, Pakistan | 1807 Views

After so long once again she had settled her feet on stairs of Sadh bello and she thought how time engulfs every love as night imbibes the light . How guilt had engirdled her for years how time had been scourging her for her sin for so long and how anamnesis of past have been telling her that she has to live in order to retreat her love, in order to bear her blameworthiness .She turns back in the memories this place had simutaneously enthroned her and condemned her with . This was land of hundred departures, this place was cenatoph of herself.

She moves inside the temple of saad bello where voice of bird of paradise was echoing , was once soothing and it had now became a shrill echo which was enclosing her and was slowly muttering …..union.. ….. division …union…….. severance…farwell …. ! .Umbras of eve were returning her every memory sindheyar had given to hold them as pledge . She was gradually moving inside the crepuscule of rememberances … little dark ..little dark and there is dark of memories evrywhere inside her and she was drown in twilight of recollections .She remembered the last time he met with sindheyar and his farwell.

And now she was standing in front of sindheyar 3 years back. Sindheyar was saying her “tell your parents nirmal i shall soon find a job after graduation and we shall marry after that ”
Nirmal snatched her hands from his hands as though she is snatching her whole existance from him. She told sindheyar “its too late sindheyar my parents are not conciliating with me what do you think i have not done anything to stop them to marry me to that lessor ? but nirmal knew somwhere that she is deluding herself along with sindheyar .She knew about the necessitiousness of Sindheyar and with time she had realized that lofty dreams of her youth could not pacify with paucity of sindheyar .Her dreams which were filled with temporal bliss ,dreams which were of contentment withen world.

She was in love wih sindheyar but she did not know that aridity of sindheyar had fadded the hue of her love .Does love ever collides with worldy yearnings ? does unconsiousness of love ever gets filled by meagre reasons of logic to beguile onself and others ? does love ever collides with penury ? Nirmal tried to answer herself , she herself was bewildered how of abjection of sindheyar had pierced the beautifull bossom of her love !!

sindheyar thrown himself in feet of nirmal ,he said in beseeching manner “Nirmal dont you know my only possesion are the moments i have holded with you ,will you ever be able to forget these eves we had spent here in Sadh belo holding hands ,telling to one another that we belong to eachother and our souls concide with Sadh bello. Have you obliterated everything ??Will you sacrilege our love like this ?” voice of Sindheyar choked with tears.He felt like his voice was vanishing in scarlet ,inflammed and eligiac shadows of dusk.Sindheyar with his lips shivering said ” nirmal how can you consign the soul of our love to oblivion ? how can you forget ……….can you ……??”

nirmal in betraying tone replied “No sindheyar no i havent forgotten anything ,im debilitated, she did not saw in his eyes like she always did ,sinners never look into eyes ! .She knew that she had conquered wordly gratifications over love but Sindheyar had broken every limit of supplicating .He believed that abundances does not deprive a person from his love, he believed Nirmal will prioritize him over her every dominion .He was assure of her love and he hearten himself that he will not be forsaken for luxuries .Sindheyar holded nirmal from her shoulders and shook her like someone enthusize a child to give the same answer they had expected but nirmal had smudged her love with ashes of sumptuosness and opulence .Sindheyar was surprised on this silence of sinner which was his beloved .Sindheyar asked her ”Are you abondoning me because of my impecuniousness?” Nirmal did not replied him she just stared at the floor her feet and thought or a way of escape.

Sindheyar asked “had those intemperate and esurient dreams of matirial life lynched my love? have you demised my love for this world nirmal ? tell me nirmal tell me ? ”

Nirmal stood wordless like every sinner when he does not know how to justify his sin ,how to give elucidation on justness by bieng astray and fallacious.

Sindheyar gathered all his gloom on his lips and smirked like something had smithered withen his existance he felt an incessant pain which could only be felt little less by laughing over oneself and he laughed ,he thought like his bieng had never existed he was not getting the affirmation of moment he had lived to make him it clear to himself that he existed and was alive and then he shrieked like forlorned bieng who had no way but to yell out of his senselessness on his helplessness .It seemed like he gathered every drop of poison from the chalice of love and sipped it gently not to die all at once!

Nirmal still stood noiseless and reticant , her eyes still lowered by the guilt she had claimed on herself and suddenly screams went far and far and ceased and after a while . She heard sound of people crying ‘dead body ,dead man’ .She moved curtains of her eyes upward and Sindheyar was not there and she rushed towards the roars of the masses and she saw body of Sindheyar floating on traquil surges of water of Sadh bello with a ethereal smile on his swarthy face and she stood there, silent like a sinner!!

She returned in her existance all at once like sindheyar was with her in this moment . She wanted to lament but she could not escape her pain by sobbing, she was a monumental statue with moveless woe .She could not lament and stubborness of her tears was penance of her sin .Even she felt like dying but she was alive and she had to die over and over until she do not own her life—death. She walked inside saad bello and caressed those walls which once sindheyar had touched .She tried to emberassed every breeze of Sadh bello which had once kissed the pure body of martyr of love .She thought she was there to suffer her remorsefulness .

She heard voice of sindheyar coming to her little slowly ,then little deeper ,he murmered in her ear “sinner” then little louder “sinner” and every single zephyr of Sadh bello reverberated with voice of Sindheyar calling nirmal “the sinner, the sinner ….”.

By: Saba Bapar(NUML,Sindh,Pakistan)



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