ANNOYING Facebook status updates – we’re all guilty of them.
Maybe you’re in a rush and typing a frantic update into your smartphone? Maybe you don’t see what you’re posting the way others will? Still, there’s no excuse.
So if you want to keep your Facebook friends, take heed! Once you’ve read this article you’ll be analysing every Facebook status you see, we guarantee it.
The good stuff
A good Facebook status is original, interesting, witty and, essentially, it will make your friends’ day a little more interesting. A good status should be remarkable; in other words, literally make people remark about it.
The bad stuff
Now to the classic and repeat offenders. The Wait But Why blog classes types of status updates in groups. Using this bloggers’ catchy category titles – because we think they’re awesome – and adding some of our own, news.com.au has broken everything down so there’s no ambiguity.
These jokers are probably posting annoying status updates right now. Pic: Thinkstock
1. The Brag: This is such a common and blatant offender that it must be broken down into subcategories.
a) The “I’m living quite the life” brag: A post making your life sound really awesome, giving the impression that you’ve got it all together and are living the dream. Eg.
“Just had the BEST weekend of my life! I have the GREATEST friends ever!!”
b) The undercover brag: A post similar to the former, but usually hidden inside a complaint. A common example is:
“I just hate it when men wolf whistle at me while I’m walking along the street.”
c) The never-ending count down: Something exciting is happening for you soon. You know it. Your friends may not. Regardless of this, you count down incrementally. The worst are the daily posts.
“Only 100 days to go now guys!” “Soooo excited, only 4 sleeps!”
d) The “I’m in a great relationship” brag: This one is obvious. Getting engaged or married is an exception, of course, but anniversaries are dodgy unless they’re big ones (think any milestone over 10 years).
“Thank you for the best 4 years of my life baby. Love you. Xx” “I have the best bf in the world <3 Thanks for the amazing present!”
2. The Cryptic Cliff-hanger: Something’s going on in your life that you feel compelled to share with your fellow Facebookers. The problem is you omit the crucial details.
“Arrrggghh, so frustrating!” Or “Why today of all days???” Then when people comment, asking what’s going on you say: “Nothing!” or “I don’t want to talk about it.” Now that’s frustrating.
Social media is our platform to share all our thoughts. Or is it?
3. The Literal Status Update: So you bought sushi for lunch, or you ate a nice mango. Who cares? These status updates prove to the world how uneventful your life is.
“Why are my eyebrows so weird today?” or “Just spilt curry down my shirt!” Bored? So are we. Note that this also applies to boring photos.
a) “The awkward moment when” update: This is a catch phrase quite popular when disguising a ‘literal status’ update. Don’t be fooled! Just because a status is prefaced with these words, doesn’t mean it will be any more interesting.
“That awkward moment when you wave at someone who isn’t waving at you.” It’s even more awkward now that we know.
b) Dear… This is an incredibly sneaky strategy as it hides under the guise of sarcasm and a strange obsession with personifying inanimate objects. Confused? We don’t get it either.
“Dear history assignment, I hate you.” Or “Dear vacuum cleaner: start working or I’ll bin you.”
4. The Inexplicably-Public Private Message: So you shared a private joke with a friend. Do we really need to know? That’s why text messaging was invented.
“Ben: ‘That cup is like totally eating my face!’ [tags friends].” Or “What an amazing weekend with my girls. That barman was soooo funny!”
Some statuses aren’t worth liking. Pic: Thinkstock
5. The Out-Of-Nowhere Oscar Acceptance Speech: This is often prompted by a birthday or at end of a year, where people feel it is their incumbent responsibility to share with the world their gratefulness for life’s blessings. As Wait But Why blogger writes, “if you were really that keen to thank your friends and family, send them an email or (shock, horror) a letter”.
“I’d just like to thank my friends and family for what has been an amazing year, full of AMAZING holidays, a new job, lots of crazy parties and new-found love.” Ewwwww. No. Just no.
6. The Incredibly Obvious Opinion: When a worldwide story breaks, these are the posts chipping in the opinion we’ve heard so many times before, or the statement that’s unbelievably obvious.
“When will our government get its act together and decide on a leader?”
7. The Step Towards Enlightenment: OK, don’t get your hackles up, but have you considered that the advice or pearl of wisdom in which you find so much insight and fulfilment, may not be welcomed by your Facebook friends?
“Experience is not what happens to you, it’s what you do with what happens to you.” Or “Take the road less travelled, friends.”